spoken in the shop, vol. 25.

On you just never know what folks are going to say

After purchasing both The Happiness Project and Down the Rabbit Hole, customer:
"First I'll read how to be happy, then I'll read the slut!"

|||

On customers' ongoing love affair with Stanley Tucci

"Oh look, Stanley Tucci! He's so cute. And he married a much younger woman."

|||

On you-asked-for-it bread puns
Customer: "Have you ever read The Scarlet Pumpernickel?"
Manager: "Sure, that goes great with The Catcher in the Rye."

|||

On North vs. South
Customer, waiting at register: "Excuse me, what's going on here?"
Manager, looking for pen box: "I'm sorry; I have to find the box for this pen so I can scan it in our system. Thank you for your patience!"
Customer: "Oh, I'm on vacation. If I wasn't, I'd be biting your head off right now. I'm from New York." 

|||

On #girlboss
"Annie is hundred-year-old wisdom in a -- how old is she now? Twenty-six?"

|||

On the definition of poetry
Bookseller: "I know what good poetry is when I see it, kind of like pornography."
Customer: "Oh, so good pornography is poetry."
Bookseller: "I think it's more that good poetry is pornography."

|||

On #goals
Bookseller to 8-year-old girl: "Would you like a bag for your book?"
Little girl: "No, I'm going to read it while I'm walking. If I run into a pole, I'll call it a victory."

|||

On we're going to make it after all
"You're the heartbeat of this damn town, that's for sure!"

spoken in the shop, vol. 24.

On kids say the darndest things

"Mom, I'm not sure if you know this about me, but food makes me dance."

|||

On bookseller/customer relationships

Customer to bookseller: "Maybe we're reading soulmates."

|||

On mother knows best
"Seriously, if I didn't think my girls would be complete a-holes, I'd totally bring them in here."

|||

On yes, absolutely, couldn't agree more
"Stanley Tucci has a cookbook? You know, for a short, bald guy he's pretty hot."

|||

On opinions
"I'm buying this book, but I really don't like the illustrations. Will you let him know?"

|||

On irony
Customer: "Could you guys order a book for me?"
Bookseller: "Sure, what's the title?"
Customer: "It's called Codependent No More, and I'm going to need two copies."

|||

On graciousness and gifts
Customer: "My friend said she left something here for me."
Bookseller: "Okay. What's your name?"
Customer: "Anna."
Bookseller: "Oh! Yes." Hands over envelope. "Here you go!"
Customer, disdainfully flips over envelope: "Well, I guess this is one way to get me off her back."
Bookseller, helpfully: "Um, it's actually a gift certificate."
Customer: "Oh."

spoken in the shop, vol. 23.

On TMI

"Do you have a paper towel? I'm sweating up a storm."

|||

On adulting

Teen customer: "I teach Sunday school to 2-year-olds, and would you believe the children's coordinator gave the class Dixie cups of water? I wanted to tell her, 'Um, they can't do that yet.' I'm so glad I know something a 30-year-old doesn't."

|||

On Kathleen Kelly and friends
"You'll love You've Got Mail. It's a great family comedy."

|||

On choosing your adjectives wisely
"Oh my god. That pen is delicious. So juicy!"

|||

On age-appropriate literature
Customer: "I have a nephew who's turning five. He's developmentally delayed, so I'd like a classic book his mother could read to him that he'll still understand and enjoy."
Me, heading back to the picture book section: "Great! We have a lot of classic, illustrated story collections, like Mother Goose or these fairy tales. But The Day the Crayons Quit is really fun and cute, too."
Customer, not convinced: "I was thinking maybe The Secret Garden."
Me: "... by Frances Hodgson Burnett?"

|||

On bookseller-customer confidentiality
"Excuse me, but do you have Get Your Loved One Sober?"

|||

On age-appropriate books
Fourth-grade boy: "Excuse me. I am looking for the literary masterpiece Sun Tzu, The Art of War."

|||

On "oh no, you didn't"
"I heard Harper Lee had a new book out; he hasn't published in years, has he?" 

|||

On price point
Bookseller, ringing up an autographed book: "Your total is $31.98."
Customer: "Geez. What'd she do, sign it in gold?"

spoken in the shop, vol. 22.

On books as temptation

Customer, with large stack of books in hand: "Someone ought to lock me up!"
Me: "You know, there are worse vices to have."
Customer: "True. The problem is, I'm going to drink at least a glass of wine with each of these."

|||

On a chocolate's worth

Customer, after eating one of our shop's truffles: "You know, when you said three dollars, I thought, 'How can y'all screw people like that?' But then I tasted it, and I understand."

|||

On "you are what you read"
Customer: "I'm reading this book you recommended, and all of the short stories are about infidelity. You're not thinking of pulling the plug, are you?"

|||

On Mother's Day gift-giving
Manager: "Are we getting a gift card today?" 

Dad: "Yes, we are making no decision." 

Son: "This is a decision." 

Dad: "No, a gift card is not a decision." 

 Son: "Yes, it is. I could have chosen a Target gift card or a Wal-Mart gift card or a Bookshelf gift card, and I chose The Bookshelf. It was a decision."

|||

On sneezing etiquette
"I must be allergic to something in here. I've gotta quit trying to stifle it; sounds like it's coming out the other end!"

|||

On one-stop shopping
"Oh my gosh, you have chocolate, too?  You're complete!"

|||

On fashion
Teenage girl to employee: "Oh, I love your necklace!"
Employee: "Well, thank you!"
Girl, mournfully: "You have such great style."
Employee: "Oh, thank you so much, but you do, too! I love your dress."
Girl: "Oh, my mom made me wear this."

|||

On destruction of property
Customer: "What's wrong with your chairs?"
Me: "Oh, I think sadly someone's begun peeling the leather off." 

Customer: "Well, they look like they've been mutilated."

|||

On the perfect present
"Cookbooks are the gift that gives back to you. Now my mom can make me something."

|||

On mission-making
Young girl: "Excuse me; where is your children's section?"
Me: "Oh, let me show you. It's this whole back part of the store, first picture books, then middle reader books, where your kind of books are."
Girl, wide-eyed, pauses, then claps hands twice. "Let's do this."

spoken in the shop, vol. 21.

On missing the point

Customer: "Tell me what's hot right now."
I launch into a description of A Little Life and Better Than Before.
Customer: "Great. Can I get those on Kindle?"

|||

On drinking buddies

"John Grisham's somebody I'd like to get drinks with."

|||

On TMI
"I love walking in cemeteries. But only when it's raining. I guess that's creepy."

|||

On who you know
Little girl, in desperation: "I want chocolate!"
Mom: "Don't worry, honey. The Easter bunny's going to bring you some."
Little girl: "How does the Easter bunny know where The Bookshelf is?"

|||

On enough is enough
Boy, walks ten feet into the store: "Okay, I'm done."

|||

On gift buying
Four-year-old boy, approaches register: "Excuse me. I need a birthday gift for a little boy who is turning five."
Me: "Okay, would you like my help?"
Boy: "Yes, please."
Me: "Does he like animals? Or maybe dinosaurs? Or trucks?"
Boy: "We really don't know what he likes. That's the problem."

|||

On knowing what you like
Little boy, running through the store: "NO MORE STORY TIME!"

|||

On connotation vs. denotation
Customer to me: "Oh, you look just like a modern day hippie!"
Me: "I'll take that as a compliment!"
Customer: "You should. Hippies are freedom with class."

|||

On when saying nothing at all is the better option
Elderly customer: "I just found out my husband has to have surgery."
Employee: "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that!"
Customer: "It's quite alright. I have life insurance on him."

|||

On springtime in the South
"Pollen is just the birth pangs of spring."

spoken in the shop, vol. 20.

On New York Times bestsellers

Customer: "I couldn't get into Gone Girl. I just like bestsellers."
Me: "Well, Gone Girl was on the bestseller list for about two and a half years, so..."

|||

On day drinking

"If I seem a little drunk, I'm not. I just have vertigo right now."

|||

On trash TV
Customer commenting on my reading habits: "A book a week? Do you ever just watch Jerry Springer or something?"

|||

On our special Cheers-like atmosphere
Customer: "I just love that you guys know my name."

|||

On Unbroken
"You haven't read Unbroken yet? Oh, you must! I didn't like the movie though. Well, really [whispers], I don't like that woman director."

|||

On living the dream
Former coworker to me: "I just had to come see you. It's rare to know someone who vocalizes their dream and then makes it happen... in record time! And you were so right about Gone Girl; you were an early adopter!"

|||

On that generic vibe we're definitely not aiming for
"It's like a little Books-A-Million. You know what? We need a Books-A-Million in Thomasville."

|||

On what not to do at a free letter writing event
Customer: "Oh, I thought this was a letter writing club. These are all just notecards."
Manager: "We have some paper on the table as well, if you'd prefer that."
Customer: "I'm used to writing 12-page letters to my friends, so that won't work either."

|||

On why sometimes, you should shop Amazon
"Do you guys have cereal here?"

spoken in the shop, vol. 19.

On going vegetarian

"Is there such a thing as vegan cheese?"

|||

On appropriate phone salutations

"Hel- *cough, cough* -lo? Sorry. I got choked up on my own saliva."

|||

On life as a #bossgirl
90-year-old man to me: "Where's your boss?"
Me: "Actually, I'm the boss!"
Man: "How does an 8-year-old girl run a business?"

|||

On rush hour
Customer: "When's your busiest time of the week?"
Me: "Today. Saturdays are always busy!"
Customer: "Well there's no one here."

|||

On advice, part i.
Older female customer: "You have the prettiest hands. I hope you take care of them."
|||

On advice, part ii.
Customer: "I see you're carrying X's book."
Me: "Why yes we are! He's been so pleasant to work with!"
Customer: "Well, you're nice if you're a female who chooses to work with X."
Me, confused.
Customer: "I just mean, if X were to invite you to his library, the books wouldn't be the only things he'd check out."

|||

On Taylor Swift
Male customer: "So you guys really must like Taylor Swift. She's been on every time I've come in the store."
Me: "Oh, sorry about that. We kind of love her. Don't worry, though. We might be over it next week."
Male customer: "No, what's really scary is I know all the words to like half of these songs."

|||

On how Olivia Pope affects all of us
Male customer: "I need something new to read. Nothing too scandalous; my life's scandalous enough."

|||

On fame and fortune
Little boy with young adult novel, Star Attraction: "Daddy, I found a book!"
Dad: "You did? What kind of a book is it?"
Little boy, flipping pages: "It has WORDS!"

|||

On deals and steals
Young boy runs through store. Mother follows behind: "He's free to a good home."

|||

On relationship upgrades
Male customer, standing next to girlfriend: "You guys don't happen to sell nicer girlfriends here, do you?"
Me: "No." To girl: "And we don't sell nicer boyfriends either."

|||

On record deals
Manager, singing quietly in the store.
Customer, peeking from behind corner: "I'd sign you!"

|||

On Amazon maybe being the better choice for some people
Me to customer: "Are you finding everything okay today?"
Customer: "Everything but the prices."
Me, confused: "Oh, I'm sorry. They're all on the back of the books."
Customer: "No, no. I know where the prices are. You asked if they were okay."

|||

On erotica knowing no age boundaries
Female customer: "I'm looking for a book for my 80-year-old brother."
Manager: "Well, what does he like?"
Customer: "His favorite book is Fifty Shades of Grey."

spoken in the shop, vol. 18.

On family members

"You have to read these books. They're so funny, so gentle. It's like being with Aunt... well, whoever your favorite aunt is." 

|||

On appropriate greetings

Me: "Good morning!"
Customer: "Uh-huh."

|||

On shopping standards
Four-year-old girl: "I'm not in the mood for necklaces today."

|||

On that moment I feel like a failure
"It's just a bookstore, like Books-A-Million."

|||

On teaching your child the way he should go
Dad, coloring during story time: "I'm giving my bird a blue mohawk. He's a punk rock bird."
Little boy: "Dad, what's a punk rock bird?"
Dad: "A bird with good taste."

|||

On questions you should know the answer to
Me: "Would you like a bag today, ma'am?"
Customer, long pause: "What? What does that mean?"
Me: "Would you like a bag for your book today?"
Customer, long pause, expectant look: "Yes..."
Me: "Believe it or not, not everyone wants one."
Customer: "Oh."

|||

On candy and cats
Customer, while sampling candy corn at the register: "I have to name my cat 'Candy Corn.' It's perfect!"

|||

On treating yo' self.
Manager: "Can I help you find anything today?"
Customer: "Oh, I'm just out dinker-donkerin' around."

|||

On fame and fortune
"I'm famous on Goodreads. I got 800 likes on a review."

spoken in the shop, vol. 17.

On why gender issues exist

Customer 1: "Look at this animal book! It's done by the Smithsonian."
Customer 2: "Yeah. It'd be a great gift for a little boy." 

|||

On perspective

Me: "You have a great weekend!"
Customer (approx. 70-years-old): "I intend to. And if I don't, it's my own fault!"

|||

On erotica
"You might want to tell your other customers this one's about 25 shades of grey."

|||

On confidence
First grader at story time: "I really do think I'm the smartest girl in the world."

|||

On job qualifications
Phone call: "Are you hiring?"
Me: "We're not currently hiring, but I do encourage people to drop off their resumes if they're interested."
Phone call, hesitation: "Do I have to work the cash register?

|||

On not understanding local bookselling
Phone call: "Do you all buy books from Amazon.com?"

|||

On compliments
We have a wooden cat with glasses sitting by our register.
Customer to manager: "The cat looks like you."

|||

On treating yo' self.
"Mom! It's always about money! Sometimes you've just got to take a load off!"

|||

On why Google is so important
"When I send my book to a publisher, do you know what format my pictures need to be in?"

spoken in the shop, vol. 16.

On inappropriate affections

"The Holocaust was my favorite."
Pretty sure she was talking about the museum, but still...

|||

On written sentiment

Customer: "You had the absolute perfect card for my sister."
Manager: "Oh good, I'm so glad!"
Customer: "Maybe now she'll start talking to me again."

|||

On toys and breakfast food
Little boy: "Y'all used to have those things that looked like pancakes. Why don't you anymore?"
Me: "Pancakes? Was it a toy?"
Little boy: "Yes. It looked like a pancake and had a white string."
Me: "Hmmm. Wait, a yo-yo?"
Little boy: "Yes, that's it! Like a pancake!"

|||

On becoming a one-stop shop
Customer: "Do you have any books about palm reading or fortune telling? Even dreams?"
Me, from behind the register: "I'm not sure; let me look. I sometimes carry a dream dictionary, but we may be sold out."
Customer: "I'm also in the market for one of those round, clear things. A crystal ball. Do you have one of those back there?"

|||

On availability
Customer: "I have a question for you."
Me: "Sure, I can help you."
Customer: "You have every book except the one I need."

|||

On popular film
Customer: "So you watch movies here?"
Me: "We do have a film society where we read the book first, then watch the movie. Our next one is True Grit on August 21."
Customer: "I would come except I think that's just about the silliest movie I've ever seen."

|||

On education in the South
Customer: "You know what I tell them? You might be precious in His sight, but you're not in mine."
Me: "What grade do you teach?"
Customer: "Kindergarten."

|||

On serving the hipster clientele
Me: "Can I help you find anything?"
Customer: "I really just wanted to see if you carried anything obscure."

|||

On the definition of an autobiography
 Customer: "Who wrote The Diary of Anne Frank?"
Bookseller: "Um, Anne Frank wrote her own diary..." 

spoken in the shop, vol. 15.

On no such thing as stupid questions

"Do you carry paperbacks?"
Said while standing in front of an entire shelf full of paperbacks

|||

On spell-check

Customer: "Would you be happy or distressed if I pointed out a spelling error on your sign?"
Me: "Well, since you brought it up, I guess I'd like to know."

|||

On no such thing as stupid questions, part ii
"Can I just walk around?"

|||

On achieving rock star status
Little girl, waving as she enters the store: "Miss Annie, Miss Annie!"
Me: "Hi, Lily!"
Little girl, loudly whispers to friend: "See? She knows me."

|||

On geography
"Do you think you could find the title of this book? It was set out West, in North Carolina."
Pause.
"Oh wait, that's not west, is it?"

|||

On math
Me: "Your total is $17.07."
Customer: "So if I give you $22, I can get a $10 bill back, right?"
Me, hesitating: "No, I don't think so..."
Customer: "What about $23?"
Me: "I think that would be $6."
Customer: "What about $24?"

|||

On finding a bargain
Customer: "All of these cards are $1?"
Me: "Yes, these are our sale cards; it's kind of a free-for-all, but they're all $1, or ten for $5."
Customer: "What about this card, with no envelope?"
Me: "I believe there should be an envelope that would work for that card, but if you can't find one to fit, I can sell it to you for $.50."
Customer, later: "I still can't find an envelope."
Me: "You can just have it."

|||

On honest as the best policy
Customer: "Do y'all have any slow cooker cookbooks?"
Me: "Yes, actually. We made the meatballs out of this one for a store event a couple of weeks ago. They were delicious!"
Customer, after flipping through the book: "Yeah, no, this one doesn't really look appetizing."

|||

On class
"Fountain pens write fancy."

spoken in the shop, vol. 14.

On special orders

Customer: "I have a special order you guys have been holding for me."
Me: "Great! What's your last name?"
Customer: "Nix."
Me: "Hmmm. I don't see anything here under that name. How long ago did you place the order?"
Customer: "Oh, four years ago."

|||

On rewards

Three-year-old boy: "We're here to get a birthday book for my friend Blair, and if I obey my dad I get a Starburst."

|||

On upper-level reading
"Do you know what a chapter book is? My grandson reads something called chapter books, and I'm supposed to get him one."

|||

On young adult literature
"Is it tragic, or does she just, like, die?"

|||

On local landmarks
"What's the big deal with the Big Oak anyway?"

|||

On love and money
Mom: "Veronica, bring your books up here! We need to pay."
Girl: "Oh, so this is the paying kind of place?"
Mom, laughing: "Yes, Veronica. Everything costs money."
Girl, waits a beat: "What about love?"

|||

On very specific tastes
"My husband likes sports. And he's a funeral director. Do you have anything on mortuaries or something like that?"

|||

On exaggerating
Me: "I'm afraid we don't have that book in stock, but I'd be happy to order it for you."
Customer: "No, y'all have ordered books for me before, and it's taken them three years to get here."
Me: "Well, that's absurd since it normally takes two to three days."
Customer: "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

|||

On important dates
Customer, at checkout: "Do you know when Father's Day is?"
Me: "Sunday."
Customer leaves checkout for the greeting cards.

spoken in the shop, vol. 13.

On inventory

"Do you, like, know what books you have here?"

|||

On slogans

Nine-year-old boy, gazing at our "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster:
"That should say 'Keep Calm and Carry a Book.'" 

|||

On competition
"Last year, I came in second place for top reader at my school, and that is just not good enough."

|||

On social expectations
Me, to four-year-old customer: "Uh-oh! Be careful; you're spilling your M&Ms!"
Four-year-old: "That's okay. You'll pick them up!"

|||

On what I should be reading
 Customer: "Do you know what a mammoth is?"
Me: "Yes; they're like hairy elephants with those big tusks, right?"
Customer, in awe: "YES! Exactly! You would love this book! The mammoth hunter falls in love with a deer, and there's this fantastic orgy. You'll love it!"

|||

On details
Mom: "He's looking for the Warrior books. Do you have those?"
Young boy: "Mom! I'm looking for the Warrior CATS books. Be more pacific!"

|||

On realistic expectations
Mom: "Look, honey! This book is all about how brushing your teeth can be fun!"
Little boy: "No."

|||

On mathematics
Me: "Let me know if you have any questions!"
Customer: "What's the square root of -2?"

|||

On job opportunities
Five-year-old girl to father: "I want to work here when I grow up!"

a word about you and the bookshelf. (a plug.)

There's no competing with Amazon. You know that, right? Independent bookstores aren't even in the same realm; we don't even breathe the same air. We will never come out on top in that fight. It's not ours to fight in the first place. We can't really even compete against the Barnes and Nobles and Books-A-Millions of the world, though that fight is becoming more fair, the playing field more level. 

Instead, we of the independent bookstore press on, staking our claim on customer service, individual tastes, and cozy atmospheres. It is all about the individuality, the self-expression, the unique ability to remember what you read last and what you'll want to read next. 

This is hard work, in case you weren't aware. (You probably were. Anyone who has to deal with the public on a regular basis would be.) It is now my job to cater to the few thousand people who live in my town and choose to shop locally. It's important to know their names, their tastes. It's important, and I'm trying. 

But I also want to expand The Bookshelf's horizons a bit. 

I've been blogging since 2008, and I have no desire to make money from it. None. I don't have that kind of time, energy, or work ethic. I blog because I like to write, and I need an outlet, and I happen to enjoy the small community I've found here. I can't really get into affiliate links or sidebar advertising or sponsored posts, because I don't think my blog or writing style lends itself to that. (Seriously, what would I advertise for? Books? I own a bookstore.)

Which brings me to my main point. 

I have been writing my thoughts down on the Internet since 2008. Some of you have read along as I got married, adjusted to life with another human being, endured church hurts, and sat through somewhat mundane desk jobs. You cheered me on when I quit said desk job and began working at a small bookstore in Tallahassee; you encouraged me when that store closed, and this door, miraculously, opened. 

Now here we are, six years later, and you've watched me move to a small Southern town and take the leap into full-time entrepreneurship. You have left comments and sent emails; some of you have sent letters and become true friends. My blog following has never been big, but it has been so meaningful. You have helped me get to this point. 

My business isn't like a lot I see online. I don't have an Etsy shop; my services aren't available through a website. Sure, our store sells books online, but like I said earlier -- there's really no competing with Amazon. But I've been thinking a lot lately about how you all could partner in this business, how you could see what the store is doing, how life is going, how this bookstore-owner gig really works. 

So my business partner and I came up with a plan. 

First, a book-a-month club. And no, I don't expect all of you to sign up. But I want my long-distance friends to know there's a fun -- and yes, financial -- way you can support the store. Lots of independent bookstores offer this service; think StitchFix for books. Basically, a customer -- local or long-distance -- will fill out a form and sign up for a monthly subscription to The Bookshelf. Each month, the customer will receive a new book based on his or her preferences, hand-selected by Bookshelf staff (me). 

I've been doing online book reviews for years, and no, I've never used Amazon affiliate links. I don't even have a GoodReads account. (I would have no idea where to begin.) But I always get such lovely feedback when I do those posts, and I get the same feedback from the recommendations I make in the shop each day. Why not bring that kind of customer service to my Internet friends? And I really do think it would make the most lovely gift for an expectant mother or her little one. 

But I get it; a monthly subscription for new books may seem frivolous to you, or it just might not make sense given your budget and your lifestyle. 

Which is why we're also launching "From the Front Porch,"a podcast all about books, small business, and life in the South. (That's literally the tagline.) The podcast may make it big in our little Georgia town, but I kind of doubt it. The podcast is truly for you. It's a way for you to hear about this journey in entrepreneurship, about life leading a bookstore in a Southern tourist town. My hope is to host author interviews, offer book reviews, have chats with my staff -- all from the comfort of my little front porch. 

If we lived near one another, I hope you know you'd be invited over to dinner. And we'd sip lemonade and take long walks, and we'd have the most lovely time. 

But the reality is there is distance among Internet friends. It can't be helped. And sure, there are meet-ups and blogger conferences, but for most of us, that's just not practical. But a podcast? 

Hey, that we can do. 

Consider this my invitation to join me on my front porch. The podcast will launch June 1, but until then, I'm rather desperate to know: What would you like to hear? All of this is so new to me; it feels big and daunting and challenging, but I think it could be something really special. I asked last week on Twitter, but I thought I'd ask here: What types of stories would you like to hear? Who would you love for me to interview? What questions do you have about Southern life, about our quirky customers and our daily tasks? Do you need recommendations for your middle reader? What conversations could we start about books and entrepreneurship and life? 

So that's it. That's what's happening in my corner of the world. I can't compete with Amazon. Heck, I can't even really compete with other larger independent stores. (I don't really want to.) But I can enlist this wonderful army of readers and friends to do what you do best: encourage, uplift, and get me excited for this wonderful adventure I am now lucky enough to call my day job. 

Thanks.

spoken in the shop, vol. 12.

On "that kind" of literature

"Don't worry; it's not a bodice ripper."

|||

On bookmarks and how they're used

Four-year-old at story time: "You put them on every 20th page." 

|||

On the postal service
"I buy my stamps like I buy my clothes: only the pretty ones."

|||

On customer service
Customer: "What kind of blocks do you carry?"
Manager: "We have wooden Uncle Goose blocks; they're great quality, made in the U.S."
Customer: "Great, could you just text me a picture of those?"

|||

On store identity
 "So this is a bookstore slash what, exactly?"

|||

On why there should be a customer/salesperson boundary
"You're just so cute and wholesome. I don't think vile thoughts when I look at you."

|||

On the art of being discreet
Customer: "I'm embarrassed to even ask this, but do you have the book How to be...?"
Me: "... Yes?"
Customer, whispering, leaning in: "... Badass?"

|||

On painted nails
"Oh, I love your nails. I bet you're so nice to hold hands with. You must make your husband very happy."

spoken in the shop, vol. 11.

On fertility

Male customer: "How old are you now?"
Me: "28."
Male customer: "You got baby fever yet?"
Me: "No, not really. Not in a hurry."
Male customer: "Well, you're pretty much at your peak. Time'll be running out soon. Gets harder after 30."

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On faces with names and names with faces

Author, in store for a signing: "You look nothing like I would have ever pictured."
Me: "Well, what exactly were you picturing?"
Author: "Shirley Temple." 

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On Llama, Llama books
4-year-old-girl: "So did Llama's dad die or something?"

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On drinking soda
"Mama, can I have some bubble face?"

|||

On that dirty word, e-books
 Child at story time: "Are we going to read on the Nook today?"

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On the joy of giving
"Could I have this wrapped? It's a congratulations-you're-knocked-up gift."

|||

On why Google exists
Customer: "Got any books on peach brandy?"
Me: "No, sir, I don't think we do. I might have some books on cocktails or beer brewing, though."
Customer: "Oh no, I don't need a book. Can you just print me the formula?"
Me: "Like you need a recipe for peach brandy?"
Customer: "Yes, ma'am. That'd be great."

spoken in the shop, vol. 10.

On, well... James Patterson

Customer 1: "Where can I find your James Patterson books?"
Customer 2: "In the old man section."

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On happiness

Store manager: "How are you today, sir?"
Customer: "I don't know. I haven't asked my wife yet." 

|||

On the store's letter writing club
6-year-old-boy: "This was definitely worth it, Mom."

|||

On French cuisine
"How much are your maroons?"

|||

On a parent's love
 Me: "Do Mommies love us when we're in time out?"
Entire story time group: "NO!"

|||

On patience
"Hey, I have a question, Mommy. Can I get kind of a big book? Because I've been waiting."

spoken in the shop, vol. 9.

On indie bookstores

"Aren't there any larger, more corporate bookstores around here? I'm just kind of surprised this is it." 

|||

On pop culture icons

Customer: "Please tell me you do not have a book on Miley Cyrus."
Me: "I do not have a book on Miley Cyrus."
Customer: "Great. Thanks. Now I can at least tell my granddaughter I asked." 

|||

On pricey fountain pens
"If you have some that write on gold, I might buy them."

|||

On store design
"This is embarrassing, but the way you've set up the store doesn't really make sense. Why is the nonfiction over here away from the fiction?"

|||

On Never Play Music Right Next to the Zoo
 Me: "What would you do if you saw a lion playing a bassoon?"
Three-year-old boy: "Shoot 'em."

|||

On waiting for the paperback 
"I guess I'd better go ahead and buy it then. I'll probably be dead next year."

spoken in the shop, vol. 8

On vegetables and artillery

Woman 1 (laughing): "Look! There's a magazine called Garden & Gun!"
Woman 2: "What, like, here, let me protect your tomatoes with my rifle?" 

|||

On cupcakes + shopping local
Customer: "So where are these cupcakes made?"
Me: "They're made locally in Tallahassee and delivered fresh every day."
Customer: "Tallahassee is not local. I am so sick of people saying that. It's 45 minutes up the road!"

|||

On staff selections
"I don't understand what all these names are doing by these books. Who are these people?"

|||

On privacy
Me: "Could you sign this receipt for me, please?"
Customer: "I want to say no."

|||

On the importance of titles
"I just can't figure out what this is supposed to be about." (Spoken while flipping through a copy of Outside magazine.)

|||

On that European influence
"My wife and I were just talking, and we think this must be what libraries in Scandinavia are like."

spoken in the shop, vol. 7.

On loving the earth

"Eco People? Blech!"
(accompanied by vomiting noise)

|||

On pregnancy hormones
"So how many people cry in your children's book section? Some of those books will rip your heart out!"

|||

On picking favorites
Girl 1: "Oh, this used to be my favorite book!"

Girl 2: "I wish I had a favorite book."

|||

On temptation
"I just can't come here. This place is my heaven."

|||

On suspense
Storyteller: "What did the pig say? Can anybody guess? What do you think happens next?"

Long pause.

5-year-old boy: "Just turn the page already!"

|||

On story time
"I want cupcakes and a story and to make something!"

|||

On closing up shop
"I'm just going to miss you."