Monday, February 8, 2010


This weekend, one of my best friends came down for a birthday visit. Jordan was at a moot court competition, so I got Amanda all to myself. And as I sat there visiting with her before she headed back home, I found myself confessing things aloud I’d only been thinking.

About how hard life can be.

How difficult it is, waiting for a transition you don’t know how to prepare for.

So many people are praying for us, but they’re all praying in different directions.

They’re praying God will keep us in Tallahassee, where I can get my master’s degree, and Jordan can get a job.

They’re praying God will take us to Montgomery, where Jordan will be closer to family and begin a solid law career.

And me? I am just praying for survival.

Because I don’t know where we’re supposed to go.

And when I find my heart settling here, with the friends we’ve grown to love and the family I’ve always loved, something changes. Shifts. Friends tell me they’re leaving. And I am left wondering: Are we supposed to leave too?

This year has begun beautifully. Jordan and I are living purposefully, and I am focusing, just as I wanted to, on simplicity. Yet with each passing moment of contentment, I realize: Things are about to change.

And I don’t like it.

I don’t like it because I’m worried it will take my contentment away. Whether we stay or go doesn’t matter: Change is on the horizon.

And I am scared.

Normally I am gung-ho. Ready for the next big leap. Excited for the adventure.

But this particular morning, I’d like to curl up in a ball and sleep until this, too, passes.

{I think she said it better.}


Anonymous said...

hi friend. go back and read the story of Sarah. She had no idea where she was going...... Last year, when I felt like you do now, her story helped me understand that sometimes we aren't supposed to know everything- that wonderful things are just over the next hill... love you and your honesty.

Kari said...

Thanks, Annie! I sat in front of a blank computer screen all week before I was finally able to put those words together, so it means a lot that they spoke to you.

Sabrina said...

Don't be too scared Annie! All we can do is keep on walking down lifes paths and be ready for when the lightning will strike. Not killer lightning just lightning of change. Change is coming and when it is time it will come fast! Confession of our fears is good for the jornal has precious secrets about my unspoken, hopes, dreams, wishes, and fears:)
PS- I am praying that God's will be done. No specifics...well just that you and Jordan will get all the happiness that you deserve:)