Dear Chinese Medicine Man...

Every time I enter your office, I begin to relax. The wind chimes, the music... I immediately Zen out. Of course, that changes if I have to wait and pull out my planner/newest book I'm reading/latest issue of Newsweek. Then I get lost in my to-do list/the plot/the recession, and I'm not really Zen-ing anymore. Plus, I think you might judge me. You know, since I can't sit for two minutes without doing something. I beg you, don't. We both know idle hands are the Devil's plaything.

I've come to notice some consistencies in my visits. Anytime a needle is placed in my hands, my nose begins to itch. You've told me to ring a bell if I ever need anything, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you scratching my nose, so I suffer.

In addition, I've realized that without fail, you will require me to lift my pant legs to above my knees. Of course, I won't have shaved in days. I used to be ashamed of the prickly hairs running up and down my legs. That shame is quickly fading. I apologize. When it's warm again, I'll try to shave more frequently. (For your sake and my husband's.)

Also, could you paint over the tiny brown spot in the ceiling that holds my attention each visit? I promise I won't be the only one who notices.

I'm curious, too, as to what hand sanitizer causes your hands to smell like syrup... Every time. I warn you, this is probably why my stomach growls each visit. I can't help that you remind me of iHop.

I wanted to apologize for any drool stains I may have left on the chair during my past few visits. I don't mean to fall asleep, but those nature noises just get me every time. In fact, I'm remembering that I used to listen to nature noises to do my homework by (I was/am a bit of a nerd); I had to stop because they made me sleepy back then too.

And if you ever think I'm embarrassed by having to answer questions about the consistency of my bowel movements or the timeliness of my period, don't worry. I teach your kid in Sunday school.

Anyway, thanks for what you're doing. I really do feel better. And unlike so many people, I really don't think this is all a hoax, this whole acupuncture thing. I actually think it's working.

Oh, I forgot. Just an FYI: if you catch me laughing to myself while you're with another patient, no worries. I'm just writing a blog post in my head.

Sincerely your patient,

Annie B. Jones