Tuesday, June 18, 2013

where do i begin?

I don't really know what to say, except maybe pictures don't tell the whole story.

My life has been in a constant state of limbo these past two months, and I'd like to believe there's light at the end of the tunnel, but really? I'm afraid it's only just begun. And the pictures I post to Instagram don't really do the story justice. They don't adequately define the tears or the tantrums, the joys or the frustrations. They are, really, such a very small depiction of what my life has been like, what becoming a store owner has looked like. 

In short: It is hard. 

I am, potentially, inheriting someone else's business, which means I have leeway in some things, and no say in others. I am working harder than I think I have ever worked in my life. It has been grueling, both physically and mentally, and on top of it all, there have been goodbyes to say. Goodbyes that, quite frankly, I simply wasn't ready to say. 

The support system Jordan and I crafted so carefully when we moved to Tallahassee is beginning to unravel, and I find myself without nearby friends to rely on during this extremely difficult transition. My family and Jordan have been crucial to this entire decision-making process, and a couple of Sundays ago, when my parents and my aunt and uncle and my cousin and Jordan gathered inside the store to help install shelves and hang pictures, I thought: This is the only way to do this. I can only do this with my people. 

And I've had to say goodbye to some of my people embarking on adventures of their own, and that's been hard, and sad, and I've called my mother in tears more times than I'd like to admit because I'm just struggling right now. Things are just hard. 

I have so much to say -- thoughts on friendship, sweat equity, marriage, books, store ownership -- but I haven't had the time or the energy to say it. So consider this my reentry back into the world of words. I've missed it so much, and I think my hands are finally ready to type out the thoughts that have been milling about without a home for too long. 

Here's to sharing stories, even when it's hard.


Anonymous said...

So excited to see you'll be back in this world more often. Love seeing God write your story through your fingertips and your words.

Alli Burnette said...

Remember that you don't have to carry this alone! I'm amazed by the random people god places in my life to be there for me and support me through rough transition times. I start college in two months, and while it's worlds different than running a business, I will also be saying goodbye to the friends that have made life so great. Thank goodness that god is constant through the trials and the change. I want to encourage you since you have so often encouraged me and because in my own way, I can relate. This is where he's called you; it's okay to admit that it's both scary and exciting! Thanks for following him and leading a life that reflects his beauty.

Sydney said...

Good for you! Sending you a virtual hug!!!

Ray Sherlock said...

Life is a cycle in constant movement with an everchanging backdrop.
I can tell you this, it is times like these that bring about such a satisfying reward. You can be a great owner of a bookstore. You are a great friend and will continue to experience that.
Remember to be thankful for the opportunities to soar, to fail, and to grow.

Brittany said...

I've missed you! But I figured all your changes were making life busy. I'm excited to read your thoughts about it all. Welcome back!

Anonymous said...

So looking forward to reading what you have to say.

Sabrina said...

But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life; and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine.
Thomas Jefferson
*The above quote is very beautiful to me.* In the midst of hard times, please know that so many people look to you and smile, because you are young and living out your dreams.
So far in my life, the beautiful friendships last, only if we reach beyond ourselves and cultivate them carefully and prayerfully. Close or near, it can be done, it will feel different, and there will be awkward transitions, but you have a loving and caring heart. You and your friendships will thrive...in time:)

Kristen said...

After reading your blog for quite some time, it's been lovely to see you come into owning a bookstore -- despite the unsettling details. Good for you, sweet friend. :)

Excited to see where you're taken on your adventures. Keep writing.

AbbieBabble said...

Welcome back! Your words are always an inspiration, and I am excited to hear what's going on in this transition in your life. I'm so sorry it's been so rough lately, friend. I'm sending you virtual hugs from Boston.