give and take: words from my mother.

{photo by Oh Pioneer}

My mother is wise, and when she speaks, I mostly try to listen. There are moments, I forget, of course. Moments when I roll my eyes or my tongue bleeds from biting it so hard.

But mostly over the years, she has proven herself to be right. She offers wise and honest counsel, and I'll be lucky if I can grow up to do the same.

This weekend, we were talking about friendships, about how true friends look and act. I've heard before — surely you have too — that quality relationships are a give and take, a push and pull. You offer much, but you receive much in return. Good friendships are hard work, but they are always worth the effort.

It's the ones that sometimes aren't worth the effort that I wondered about, wondered about how you know when the giving has become too much and the taking too little.

There's a friend I've had since I was 8 years old, a friend I met while shyly standing in the corner of the school playground, waiting to be talked to. We loved each other almost instantly. It was serendipitous, I think, but good friendships have to move beyond serendipity, and so, over the past 18 years — a lifetime, it seems — we have worked hard to maintain our friendship. We have moved beyond late night sleepovers and the angst and pains of middle school. We've surpassed runs in the park and giggles over inside jokes. We speak fondly of the time I helped her move out of the house she grew up in, the day she stood beside me on my wedding day. We have moved passed the serendipity, and we have made it work. We talk once every few months or so, which may surprise some, but it works for us. We are busy, and when there is time, we talk and we visit, and it is always the same.

We have changed, but — perhaps there is serendipity after all — it is always the same. Our love is just the same.

They are rare, aren't they, those lifelong friends who are content to wait quietly in the background, to offer encouragement and prayer when needed, to talk or visit when the opportunity arises, but to let life happen? Friends who are there in the beginning but somehow stick it out gracefully to the end?

I talked with my mother about this friend, about how through the years she has been faithful, how I love our friendship because she is so, so good for me, and, I think, too, because I am good for her.

My mother spoke up from the other end of the telephone line: "That's it, isn't it? A good friendship is double-sided. You are good for them, but they are good for you, too."

And she continued with this beautiful little exercise that has begun to put all of my relationships into perspective.

Annie is good for                    , and                      is good for Annie.

I've put a lot of friends' names in those blanks, and for the most part, I'm happy with my results. I have so many relationships that are truly that give-take, that push-pull. Friends who pull me out of the pit, friends for whom I would, given the chance, do the very same. These are friendships that are sometimes hard work, but they are always, always worth every bit of the effort.

Then there are a few other names in those blanks, names that are mostly give or mostly take. Friends who I have taken advantage of or who have taken advantage of me. And it may be time to practice my boundary-setting, might be time to close the door on certain seasons and relationships because, for one reason or another, they are just not fair or right or good.

My mother is wise. Her words were simple (most wisdom is), and they were just what I needed to hear.

Maybe you needed to hear them, too. Maybe you needed to be told that it's okay to let go of the friends who just aren't good for you; it's okay to say goodbye to the friendships that are mostly give and very little take.

It's okay.

That's what my mom would say, so now, that's what I'm telling you.