31 days || seven: celebrating quiet and rest.

 {photo by Colleen of Postcript Love}

“Lord, just wear us out for You.” 

I felt my eyes, squinted shut, blink open with a start. Did I just hear what I thought I heard? 

Wear us out for You. 

It was a small phrase, five words, hidden in a much larger, beautiful prayer. When I asked Jordan if he’d heard those words, if they had stuck out to him like they had to me, he shrugged his shoulders. 

“I don’t know. What about it?” He smiled, because by now he knows when I’m about to pull out the soapbox, when I’m about to get riled up over something that may not, in the long run, matter all that much. 

“This idea, this ‘exhaust yourself for Jesus’ idea… Where did it come from? Because I kind of hate it.” 

“Really?” Jordan looked at me, surprised. “I kind of love it.” 

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Jordan and I agree on most things, theologically speaking. I’m patient with him while he delves into concepts of theology and church history. He listens quietly as I launch into discussions about women’s roles and social justice. We are, I think, a well-suited match. Mostly, our discussions end well, and when they don’t, it’s largely my stubborn fault. 

But this? 

This I couldn’t let go. 

I know what it looks like to wear yourself out for the Lord. At the church we attend now, my mother runs the children’s ministry; my father runs the education program. My uncle coordinates missions; my aunt writes curriculum and works behind the scenes for Bible classes. Another aunt manages the church library. My husband spends almost his entire Sunday heading up small groups and guiding a Spanish-speaking program. And my 93-year-old grandmother? She exhausts herself every day by continuing to sew and stuff bears for children at a local hospital. I believe the count is up to 3,000. 

Me? 

I’m trying to step away from it all. 

This summer, when Jordan and I drove away from a church meeting after agreeing to take on another ministry, I arrived home and promptly began to cry. 

I didn’t want it. Our church ministries kept growing and growing and growing, and our time spent at home or out in the world? Well, it was bound to keep shrinking and shrinking. 

Because, newsflash folks: You can’t do it all. 

Despite what the world and Sarah Jessica Parker tell you, it’s simply not possible. Something will have to go. 

And I wonder why, when push comes to shove, church attendance and activities are often last on that list of things to put off, cancel, reschedule. Why we are filled with this indescribable guilt when exhaustion and fatigue prevent us from church. 

Not the church of Scripture, by the way, but church of the year 2011. Church that follows you wherever you go, church that you don’t just do on Sundays, but also on Wednesdays, and another Bible study or small group or service project during the week. 

It’s absolutely exhausting how much time we spend devoted to church. Not to Christ. To church. 

When did we confine ministry to that one little word, church? 

When did we exhaust all of our goods and all of our gifts at the brick and mortar building? 

When did we stop going out and start focusing in? 

When did we equate busy and over-committed with spiritual? 

Sarah Bessey over at Emerging Mummy calls this “church fatigue.” 

We have programs for everything. We have programs for hospitality. Programs for youth (God forbid they be included in the daily life of the church). Programs for young mothers. Programs for spiritual growth. Programs for losing weight, for learning to manage money, for missions, for outreach, for learning to sing. From the time you enter church as a 2 week old infant, baby, there is a program for you. 

What's your issue? Go to this class. What? You still have a problem? Try this other class. 

If you want to grow, just get busy going to church. And if you really want to be spiritual, go to EVERYTHING. 

I've personally experienced church fatigue. I'm sick of it. I have this Bible study on Monday nights, small group on Tuesday night, women's meeting on Thursday, mid-week service on Wednesday, youth event on Fridays, and then 3 services on Sundays. The common complaint of most pastors is that they're too busy. But you know what? So are the rest of us. The entire church is busy and tired. 

Sounds about right. 

I wonder, though, if church fatigue is really only a symptom of a larger problem. A problem that goes back to that little five-word phrase that has been floating around my head for weeks: Wear yourself out for Him. 

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Exhaust yourself. 

In any other aspect of my life, this would be frowned upon. 

Don’t do too much! 

Don’t spend too much time at work: You’ll be a workaholic! 

Don’t spend too much time in leisure: You’ll become lazy! 

Don’t spend too much time at home: You’ll become a recluse! 

But no one has ever told me: Don’t spend too much time at church. 

I think we earnestly believe we’re going to be rewarded based on how worn out we are at the end of all this. 

When life as we know it comes to an end, when our eyes close for the final time, when the curtain draws on this earth and we are faced with the unknown of eternity, our Savior and Lord will simply look and see how big the bags under our eyes are. He will ask: Are we exhausted enough? Did we die with our names listed as the leaders of dozens of groups and programs and ministries? 

My head, I think, admits that this reward system is “scriptural,” that there is talk of robes and crowns and mansions throughout the New Testament. 

But my heart debates as to whether those rewards come based on how tired we are at the end of our journey. 

Isn’t wearing ourselves out kind of missing the point? 

This concept of exhausting ourselves for Jesus doesn’t feel right to me. It makes me nervous and anxious and causes my eyes to open wide when they’re supposed to be bowed closed. 

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And lest we think I’m getting my panties all in a twist over yet another church issue, let me just say: This is a problem everywhere. This over-committed, “look-how-full-my-planner-is” lifestyle is popular with believers and non-believers alike. 

My complaint is that of all places where we should be free of this mentality, church is at the top of the list. 

Christ calls us to peace. To laying down burdens. To resting in His love. To casting away our cares. To quiet, still waters. To restoring of the soul. 

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I realize these posts about celebration have thus far not been about dinner parties or birthday gatherings. They haven’t been about pretty place settings or DIY decorations. 

Celebration, to me, is more than those things. (Even though, as we all know: I love those things.) 

And true celebration is just as much about quiet and rest and simplicity as it is about glitter and playlists and dancing in the living room. 

I guess I’m just bothered that quiet, simple living isn’t celebrated more by church culture. I’m not sure how to change that, except to celebrate it myself. 

My tendency when I’m with friends or family is to lament how busy I am, to join the masses in frustrations over to-do lists and full weekends. 

Why not instead leave some weekends empty? 

Why act ashamed when I say there’s nothing on the calendar? 

Why not sing the praises of simple living? Real simple living, not the kind we see on blogs and lifestyle magazines. 

Simple living that celebrates solitude and quiet. Gratitude and peace. Gentleness and grace. 

I want to live and to celebrate the simple life. One day, I want the church to do that too. 

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"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me — watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." 

- Matthew 11:28-30, The Message