the prize mentality.

{photo via Jess LC}

 
Hi, my name is Annie, and I believe in retail therapy.

Perhaps this comes as a shock to you. I mean, don’t I strike you as a fairly rational, practical being?

Too bad.

After life’s particularly difficult moments have been overcome, I believe in a little self-indulgence. Prizes, if you will.

Impress the boss at work? Prize.

Stay up late to finish writing that paper? Prize.

Help your law student husband pass the bar exam? Prize.

Burn dinner and manage not to cry? Prize.

Successfully make it through another week? Prize.

This may sound excessive. But before you call Jordan and warn him that his wife has a problem, take note: He already knows, and he approves. Or at least, he too, has succumbed to the power of the prize.

Finish law school? Prize.

Pass the bar exam? Prize.

Get a new job? Prize.

I should probably clarify that prizes don’t have to be expensive. In fact, sometimes the gifts I give myself don’t cost a dime. If I successfully make it through 50 pages of Plato’s Phaedrus, I reward myself with an episode of Glee. If I study all day Saturday, I go out to dinner with Jordan Saturday night. If I finish my work assignment on time, I drink a Coke.

This process isn’t so much retail therapy as it is a rewards program.

And it works.

So this week, when I came this close to withdrawing from graduate school — the paperwork was in my hand — I came up with the perfect reward to help me make it through the semester.

A necklace. It’s one I’ve wanted for months. I’m fairly certain I even featured it on this post a few weeks back. At the time, though, I wasn’t sure which necklace I wanted. Each one has a separate saying, and I just didn’t know which would mean more to me.

Be brave.

Dream bigger.

Be thankful.

Breathe.

Let’s face it, any given day I could use all of those reminders.

But then, it hit me, right smack-dab in the middle of my face.

Be present.

That’s what I want to remind myself every waking minute: to be present, in the moment, every moment.

These four weeks have been harder than I’ve mentioned on the blog, harder than I’ve mentioned to most of my friends. (In fact, if I haven’t called you, emailed you, or Facebooked you, consider this my apology and my excuse.)

It comes as a bit of a shock when you realize an old dream might not fit a newer you.

Adding graduate school to an already full and abundant life has proved to be a daunting challenge. After a month of assignments and readings and projects, I’m still feeling unsure and uneasy about this whole process, not because I’m incapable, but because I have this built-in mechanism that automatically makes school and school-related things a priority. And that’s not my life anymore.

You probably think I’m crazy. If you’ve been reading this blog for any period of time, you know how important a graduate education has been to me. I’ve wanted one ever since graduating from undergrad, and the truth is, part of me still really wants one.

But there’s another, maybe bigger, part of me that instead wants life.

I want to be able to fully drink up every moment that life has to offer, and I personally have great difficulty doing that with group projects looming overhead.

When I stand before the throne of my Father one day, I don’t think He’ll ask me if I got a master’s degree. I think He’ll ask me if I loved my husband. I don’t think He’ll ask me what kind of grades I earned or how much homework I did. I think He’ll look at me and say, “Daughter? Did you enjoy it? Did you soak up every sunset, every late night, every relationship? Did you find me in the lazy Saturdays and quiet Sundays and yes, even the dreary Mondays? Or did you wish it all away? Did you lose track? Did you get caught up in the frenzied chaos? Daughter, did you waste it? Or did you treasure it and live it?”

I know what I want my answer to be.

After a few days of uncertainty, I am choosing to finish this semester. After that, who knows?

But as I march through the remaining weeks until December, I plan on loving the moments.

I’ve lost sight of them in the past few weeks.

So a prize has been purchased. The mail is on its way.

And as I sat telling my brother about my latest reward, he looked at me in awe.

As it turns out, my brother believes in the prize mentality as well. After every passed exam, a prize.

So yesterday, after voiding my withdrawal papers, Chet bought season one of Modern Family. We sat on my couch and watched three episodes together.

Maybe I don't need the necklace as much as I needed the reminder. But I do like a good prize.