Thursday, April 23, 2009

where do i belong?

On nights like this, I wonder:

Did I hit my peak in college?

I realize this probably sounds ridiculous and overly-dramatic, but I'm being quite serious.

For three and a half years, I was on a roll. I had friends, a busy but doable schedule, classes I loved. I enjoyed writing papers, doing homework. I spent many pleasant hours in libraries and newspaper labs. I participated in countless meaningful discussions. And you know what? I was good at all of those things.

Then, I had to leave the bubble. And ever since, it's been kind of a rocky ride.

This evening I spent three hours of my life at an event for public relations professionals, thinking it would provide me with insight into a world I might one day (with master's degree in hand) belong.

Instead, I learned that I just don't fit.

I don't look like I just stepped out of a J.Crew catalog. I can't even pretend to. I can't afford it.

I don't like hor d'oeuvres. When it's 7:00, I want a real meal. Not cheese and wine.

I can't schmooze or network. I try, but I'm just not good at it. Small talk? That's not where I shine.

And so I sit here, much more comfortable after eating a Wendy's kids' meal and changing into my pajamas (just like college), contemplating my existence. What's out there for me? Where do I fit in?

What job am I going to find that suits me, that helps me shine like I did in school? I know it sounds lame, but it's true.

On nights like these, when I feel like I just don't belong, I do wonder if there's something spiritually deeper going on. If the reason I don't fit in is tied to the core reason for my existence. If C.S. Lewis' quote has the answer: "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." Or, as my aunt Lisa says, "If you feel like you belong, something's wrong."

They're both right. I know this. But this pit in my stomach remains.

I know I'm made for something greater, bigger, something this world may not give me. But until I get there, until I reach that goal...

What do I do down here?


katie said...

I'm confident that when you start grad school things will get better... you'll navigate your way. You will have more motivation, you will be stressing out (in a good way), and your schedule will be filling up with meaningful events.

jenna said...

I completely identify with what you are saying here. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Girl, I wish you could have been at Bible study. We discussed a lot about jobs, and feelings of not being happy b/c some people are not in the job they truly want. Soon you will look back and appreciate the current situation, but as always it takes hindsight to see clearly God's purpose.

Jeannie said...

hello there,

why don't you join me "down here". it seems a lot of us are feeling similarly these days. maybe in different ways but we are longing for something more. well-educated, yes, but still...wondering...somehow. i wrote a blog post with a similar mood a week or two ago entitled Not Sure. so i'm encouraged to see you have similar "wonderings" therefore I'll be back to join you on your journey. i guess for me, part of that journey is writing the blog. but it's certainly not 'all that' for me. it can't be. i need some sort of career! anyway, i found your site and bookmarked it maybe last week. i'll be back. perhaps if we follow each other we'll gather a network of people who are aware of their personal journeys and we'll find some muses and mentors along the way!