Tuesday, March 3, 2009

i'm just not that into you.

Dear Jason,

I don't watch The Batchelor. But I've got a cold, so I figured I'd give last night's season finale a go. After all, you'd been getting rave reviews as a single dad and classy TV bachelor. Why not waste a couple of hours and-- bonus-- be able to contribute to water cooler conversation in the morning?

As I sat and watched you humiliate one girl after the next, I couldn't help but be in complete and total shock at the lack of moxie each one of them possessed. You proposed and broke hearts on national television... After whining countless times about the same thing happening to you.

Then, as if your annoying tears and helpless whimpers weren't enough, you subsided each girls' protests and confusion with the same cliché crap millions of women here the world over:

- "It's not you... It's not anything you did. It's me. It's all me." Right-O, there, buddy. YOU are a scumbag who likes to break women's hearts almost as much as you like yourself and reliving your own heartbreaks.

- "Sometimes, you just have to follow your heart." In exactly how many different directions does your heart lead you? It doesn't sound like the most reliable compass.

- "I just have to listen to what's inside. It feels right." Great. Let's go on feelings, because, you know, feelings never change. In fact, I think that's how my marriage vows went: "I promise to always feel the same about you, no matter what."

What's really baffling to me, though, is why anyone would want to be with you now? I'll give you a pass for changing your mind on who you want to marry. You're not the only guy to ask for a ring back. That's not the issue. The issue is that you chose to publicize your break-up on national television, at the apparent shock of the other party... After living that same kind of humiliation yourself.

Why anyone would ever want to date you is beyond me. You're indecisive, overly emotional, focused on the past, and like to see yourself on TV.

If I were Melissa, I would have thrown that ring in your face.

Lucky for you (and me), I'm already taken. But for all those single girls out there (and I know lots, all of whom are too good for you), let this ridiculous show be a lesson to you all: a) A guy who won't tell you he loves you doesn't deserve you, b) Wait for someone who believes a ring means forever, c) Never agree to be someone's second choice (shame on you, Molly!), d) A man who tells you he has fallen in love with two women simultaneously is lying, and e) Don't fall for the single dad trick. Cute kids will get you every time.


A happily married, independent woman


Rachel said...

haha, i did the same thing.. i don't watch the show but i watched it last night. it was totally messed up. i agree with you wholeheartedly:)

katie said...

brava, brava!

Anonymous said...

Oh sweet Annie.....no one's put it better. You should post this on the show's site! Good seeing you in the stairwell this weekend. :-)

jenna said...

I didn't even watch the show and I am upset with this boy now!! Nicely put Butterworth...err.. Jones! :)