Wednesday, June 26, 2013

in which i ask the biggest question of all.

{photo by Jose Villa}

He was teasing, but it felt like on of those truths hidden in jest. 

We were talking about houses, about how long the wait might be if Jordan and I decided to buy into this urban redevelopment project the city of Thomasville is creating. We were talking about building versus renovating, buying versus renting, and if we could wait for that kind of redevelopment to take place. 

"It wouldn't matter," he joked. "You'll never be there anyway. You'll own your own business! You'll never see your house!"

And I know he was joking. I know he was teasing. 

But I also have been watching. And I know: Owning your own business is a serious commitment of not only resources, but time. 

This makes me nervous for all kinds of reasons. Reasons that have to do with home and family and marriage and where Jordan and I long ago decided to place our priorities. And the question has become cliche, but I am now asking the same thing women all over the country (world?) ask themselves: Can I have it all? 

Not all metaphorical, but all meaning: Can I still decorate my home and have and raise children and sit on my front porch and converse with the neighbors and drink lemonade and read good books and keep up with my laundry and hang out with my husband and watch reruns of The Office and run a successful, profitable business? Can I show love to my husband and my family and my home and my business, or will someone get the short end of the stick? 

Does owning your own small business have to mean sacrifice of the other things I've always wanted? 

I know, of course, that it means some sacrifice. Like, in this case, moving to a new town. Saying no to the Anthropologie sale rack. Never getting to watch an FSU football game or spending a Saturday out running errands with Jordan.

These types of sacrifices are not unfamiliar to me. 

But these other, bigger ones are. And as these two months of decision-making both fly and creep slowly by, I am bombarded with so many pros and cons and pluses and minuses. But the question I'm having trouble answering is: Can I live this dream and my other ones too? 

I don't know. I think I'd love to try. I wonder if that's enough for now, if the rest will fall into line as life often seems to. I hope so, but right now? I'm just not sure. 

The not-knowing has always been hard for me, and in this season? It's proving to be quite the nemesis. 

6 comments:

Jennifer said...

Annie,
I am dealing with a situation that is similar in some ways, but different in others, as I am moving my family out-of-state in order to continue my education. I can empathize with so many of the thoughts and emotions that you have so poignantly articulated in this space recently. I completely agree that the unknown is what is so challenging! I know that we must have faith, but it certainly is challenging, isn't it?! I wish you peace of heart, mind, and spirit as you and your husband continue this discernment.

jenna said...

Praying for wisdom, clarity, direction, peace, and abundant joy.

Love you Annie!

Laura said...

This question proves to be the biggest question of my adult life... it haunts me, almost daily. How DO you do it all? How do you find a vocation that you love but still be a good mom to your children, and have time for your husband, and have time to clean your house, and have time to serve in the church and outside the church, and have time for yourself?! This question I have to give to the Lord all the time. It is certainly not going to be a simple answer but I know He will work it all out. I have to believe that.

Melissa Jane said...

The hubs and I have a secret dream of owning a bookstore/coffee shop one day. And yet, our family is our top priority (with that, of course, is our Christian life) so I can imagine the dilemma must be quite overwhelming. I think your current position is incredibly enticing from the outside - as you mentioned previously in posts - so it's nice to see the whole realm in real life. Anyway, that comment is pretty purposeless in itself. Haha!

Erin said...

I think there is wisdom in saying you have to try. I mean, why not? As long as you recognize that a limit exists and you might reach it.
And I don't think anyone "has it all" exactly, but I think the burden of things we often worry about in the future have a way of working out in ways we never imagined they would.

monstercakes said...

Firstly, hello friend! I've missed the blogging world and decided to return (reading friends' blogs and writing in my mine again). Secondly, I'm starting to get this feeling that we can't even fathom our God-given abilities to fulfill what He has in store for us, and we often limit ourselves by worrying about things He has already solved and given us strength for. Trust and have courage - one day at a time. Thirdly, I wish our thirties would come sooner because don't you just feel like it will all be easier then?! haha