Friday, April 20, 2012

saving my life: help.

{print by Jon Contino}

This has been one of those weeks: It’s been good, but I’ve just had this feeling that I can’t shake, this “I’m-not-myself” feeling, and since I’m typically a fairly confident person, this feeling is taking its toll.

My life is just this out of control mess. We’ve overbooked ourselves, yet again; the May calendar is already full, and we’re not even out of April yet. I’m missing a very important milestone in my little cousin’s life, and it’s breaking my heart. We owed so much in taxes that I feel like I could punch someone; basically everything I earned last year freelancing (plus some) went to Uncle Sam, which makes me wonder if going home every night to sit in front of the computer designing and editing is even worth it. We can’t get a vacation with my parents and brother on the calendar because everyone’s so busy; we haven’t been to see Jordan’s parents since Christmas. We’re starting new ministries at church, which I’m excited about, but wondering if we’re maybe just a little bit crazy. Our lease is up in August, and we’re looking for a house to rent, which is turning out to be a tad complicated and expensive. It’d make more sense to buy, but we’re determined to finish paying off Jordan’s student loans first.

On top of all this, my face looks like puberty exploded, and you know what? Despite everything in my life producing chaos, that’s the only one I can focus on. That’s what’s really bothering me in all this. Forget the taxes, forget my mess of a house: All I can focus on is my face and how it went from beautiful and clear to… not. Really, really not.

I say all that to say this: My mom saved my life this week. I’m 26 years old, and sometimes I really, really stink at this whole “being an adult” thing, and honestly? I feel like there are times we all just need our moms. So this week, my mom — who deserves some kind of award or possibly sainthood — came over to my house and helped me clean. My house was a disaster area thanks to weeks of traveling and busy schedules; it had reached what I call the point of no return, that point where everything is so messy, there’s really no use in trying, so I watch Grey’s Anatomy reruns instead. I was paralyzed by the chaos, so my mom came to whip everything — including me — back into shape. And you know what?

It helped.

My life is still a little messy, a little complicated. My face is less than what I wish it would be. Our finances — for as hard as we work and give and save — definitely still frustrate me.

But my house is clean and the laundry is done, and somehow, that has made such a big difference.

I know what some people think my life looks like, living in the same town as my parents. I think a lot of people think I see my parents all the time, think I get to have family dinners and go out to their house and visit with them pretty (perhaps too?) regularly.

The truth is, that doesn’t happen. Jordan and I are busy (perhaps too?). My parents live on the other side of town, and there are only a few big family dinners. We see them at church, yes, but we’re all rather involved, and so that mostly consists of smiling and waving at each other as we pass in the halls.

Sometimes, I miss my parents. Sometimes, I need their help.

I can clean my own house. I can maintain my schedule and, if I try, I can keep the laundry at bay.

But sometimes, I have to acknowledge that I am failing. That something has to give. That I need help.

This week, I needed help, and I asked my mother to please, come help me clean my house.

So she did.

And in doing perhaps the most menial of tasks — in the scrubbing of my bathtub and the vacuuming of my living room rug — she saved my life.


Kari said...

There is nothing like mom helping you out. Nothing.

Erin said...

Oh there are so many things I want to say here. First of all that I am aching for you in your stress. I hate that about your taxes too, because of all the things you can have under control in life, things like that are the worst--b/c it makes you feel like you don't have your finances under control. (At least that's how it makes me feel when such things happen).
And about family-oh my goodness I get it. After a year of living away from my family and now being near them again, I am so thankful for them and sometime I just need my mom. SO badly.

momofthree said...

I am 34 and my mom still comes and rescues my messy house and laundry. I hope one day I can rescue my childrens' messy homes and laundry. Cherish your family. I can still see your mom's smiling face and hear your dad's singing from our time in your hometown.

Velva said...

Take deep breath Annie-You are stressing and now its time to focus on relaxing. Just say no to over committing yourself-


Sabrina said...

This post is very telling in a way. Because we can fool a lot of people but our bodies and our mamas know the real story about how much stress we are holding, and how much we need help. I'm so glad your wonderful mom was able to help you out:) And also listen to your body, the sudden breakouts could mean something.

Kristin said...

Thank God for moms! I'm so glad to hear that she came over to help you get back on your feet a bit. I too feel paralyzed when my house is in a state of emergency. I really need peace at home (visually and relationally)to be able to function well. Oh, and honey, we are both self employed too, so taxes for the last 12 years have been the most emotional, exhausting, depressing time at our house every year. Blech. And today we have to pay our accountant to boot. Double Blech. Anyway - all that to say, I feel ya. Hope this week has dawned new and fresh and that your outlook is renewed! Oh, and P.S. Why not find one or two things in May you can cross off the calender today? I always feel SO relieved when I can pare down a few of our not-absolutely-necessary commitments...

Four Flights said...

oh Annie you will never, no matter how old you get and how many kids you have, stop needing your mom to come save your life every now and then. I'm very blessed that mine comes and saves my life almost once a week ;) Today in fact she occupied the kids so that i could clean. That's what moms are for, and it's okay to admit that sometimes, you do fail at the whole adulthood thing :)