Tuesday, April 19, 2011

fitting.


Last week my best friend called, and I could hear the smile before I heard the words.

"I got the job!"

My heart dropped. This wasn't the news I'd wanted to hear.

Just a few months ago, my friend had moved back to Tallahassee, and I had been thrilled.

There is something to be said for those friends who have known you for forever, the ones who came to your sleepovers and bought fake glasses with you and wrote you emails with Dashboard Confessional lyrics in the subject lines.

And for a few weeks, I had that back, and it was a comfort.

She's the kind of friend I know I'll have forever, the kind that distance doesn't really affect. We can go months without talking, but when we see each other, it's just the same.

I know that's a blessing.

But I will miss the walks around the park, just like we're 18 again.

And I'll miss the inside jokes and the fact that she knows me: knows my family, knows my faith, knows my heart.

When we hung up, I cried a little. Last week was hard. I can't really put it into words, or I'm afraid I'll come across as some angst-y teenager. But really, what it boils down to, is that at 25, I'm feeling a little bit like I don't fit.

You've been there, I'm sure. Maybe it was in junior high, or maybe it was last month, but you've been there. And I'm just going through this phase where I'm not sure who it is people want me to be or where it is I'm supposed to be able to feel comfortable and completely myself.

And as I cried a little to God, feeling selfish because I know this job is the right thing for my friend, it hit me.

For a week, I'd been moping around, feeling uncomfortable with who I am and the place I am in, and He waited.

Waited for me to realize that He is all I need.

And those words, admittedly, sounded a little shallow to my very human ears. Because sometimes, a lot of times, I just want flesh and blood.

I know He should be it. I know He should be enough.

But last week, I wanted someone to tell me that I belonged. That what makes me unique and different and set apart are precisely the things that make me smart and funny and beautiful. I wanted a Diana for my Anne.

In those moments of hurt and prayer, I could feel Him telling me.

I AM. 

This song has been a refuge for me so many times.

When I sat in my dorm room, bawling my eyes out because Alabama just didn't feel -- or sound -- like home.

When I spoke to the girls at my church for the first time, and I didn't think I'd have the words to say.

When Jordan and I didn't know what the future held, or where we were supposed to go, or if we were supposed to go at all.

These words have brought me peace in moments I felt like I was being torn apart.

And they brought me that same peace last Thursday night.

I honestly didn't think I'd struggle much with self-esteem or acceptance post-college. I like who I am, who I am becoming. But sometimes, you just want to fit: at church, with your friends, in a community.

Last week, I felt lost.

And discovering that my best-friend-since-age-8 was moving was almost more than I could bear.

But I wonder if I hurt God's feelings a little. If my thoughts of desperation and frustration broke His heart.

Because HE IS.

And yes, human relationships are such a beautiful part of this life we have been given. He knows that. He made that.

But there are moments when I will only fit in my Father's arms.

I was not created to belong.

I was created for Him.

And yes, I have a husband, and a family, and some very precious friends who I know I can count on.

But I have a Savior who is more.

Loves me more.

Knows me more.

And last Thursday, He whispered that He missed me.

That He is enough for me.

And that He knows me. Really gets me.

And what makes me quirky and strange are the exact things that make Him love me.

I will miss my best friend.

She has seen the best of me, and the worst of me.

But there is someone who has seen more. Who knows more. Who loves more. And who wants more from me.

He is crying out to me, because I have forgotten Him.

I have forgotten that in His arms is the only place I really belong.

---

“If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, 
the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”

- C.S. Lewis

4 comments:

Jennifer said...

Girl, I just about cried reading this. I am here so often. And yet my sweet Savior is STILL there, he STILL waits on me to get over myself and rest in Him. Hallelujah for such a Savior!

Sabrina said...

Psalms 20 seems right for moments like these. Especially verse 1, "May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble;" I think trouble with fitting in, moving, friendships, health, etc. They all are covered in this verse. I pray for you often:)

Linka said...

this is so beautiful! Your words are so real and sincere and yes I've been there before. and yes He is all you need. Thank you for this post.

Leah said...

I needed this, thank you.