Monday, December 13, 2010

cheer up, charlie. (i am charlie.)

 {from here}

Maybe it’s the semi-depressing music I’ve been listening to (I’m looking at you, Billie), but I’ve found myself in a funk recently. It’s unlike me, and I’m not quite sure how to get out of it.

I find myself questioning every choice I make. I’m faltering a little bit when it comes to commitments and friendships. All I really, truly want to do is get on an airplane and spend some time away, exploring a city, breathing more freely. I’ve just got this aching to rethink and refocus, and it must be done. I’ve got to get inside my head and figure out what on earth is going on in there. I’m afraid if I don’t perform the analysis soon… I’m going to blow. And it won’t be pretty, because when I blow, it never is. Things are thrown. Words are said.

And I just find myself on the edge all the time lately. Everything confuses me. I find myself looking at things I don’t or can’t have instead of the blessings I’ve been given. I’m drowning in people’s words that they can’t take back. I can’t figure out where I belong, which I realize sounds pubescent, but there you go.

I don’t like it, by the way. I don’t like this funk-y version of myself. I am short-tempered with those I love. Irritable. Grace-less.

This is the time of year when you’re not supposed to be any of those things.

All is supposed to be calm and bright.

I’m starting to wonder if this is it.

This is what 25 is going to be like.

The quarter-life crisis the New York Times* warned me about is true, and it is happening to me.

Heaven help us all.

--

*The Times is always talking about this generation’s inability to cope with adulthood. I remember thinking, “Hah! Not me!” And this must be karma paying me back. Or my brain recalling those articles and planting introspective, discontented ideas in my head. Quite frankly, at this point, I’m not sure which.

9 comments:

ashley said...

i've been there. it does pass. just keep swimming and you'll find one day, a day you didn't expect, that everything begins to make a bit more sense. and so on. and so on.

i believe we are faced with times like these so we ache to be in a better place for ourselves. not necessarily location...but who we are going to be as an adult. it happens to all of us...you'll find your way when you aren't looking.

Katy said...

My advice is just go with it. It's worth it because when you hit your 30s you know who you are, what you like and what you want. I love them!

jenna said...

Hang in there, Annie. Don't be afraid of the questioning and the stirrings and the discontent feelings. God uses all of these things to propel us further at times. It is not because you are failing. It isn't even because you are being a lesser version of yourself. I guess we need these seasons of desolation because, once the fog clears, we can see with such greater vision and perspective.

I was there in that place not long ago... Maybe from Jan until May. And how God has worked since then, through the things He revealed to me in those darker places... man, it's blown my mind.

I love you. I'm praying for you. Let's catch up soon, dear friend.

Lauren said...

I highly recommend getting away and thinking and refocusing - traveling always does this for me...well, maybe not so helpful in the focusing department, but it broadens my perspective which helps everything sort itself into place at that moment.

Cory said...

I have no wise words, just empathetic ones. This year, my 25th, has been a smack-in-the-face realization that I am not necessarily content with the selfish person that I often show myself to be. I, do however, have hope that the whole potter-clay schtick means I'm still being molded.

AbbieBabble said...

Oh, Annie. I'm so sorry you're going through a down time right now- those are awful. You WILL get through it, though. I know it.

p.s. This time of year all is supposed to be bright, but it's not supposed to be calm- I've never met an adult woman who doesn't get at least a little bit on edge during Christmas. There's so much to do! It's stressful!

Elise said...

Aww, hang in there lovely!! At least you found the absolute cutest photo ever to go along with your post. :)

Sabrina said...

I will always say that the 20's are so very difficult in many ways...and no one ever tells you that...you have to find it out on your own.

So many people love you, you are talented beyond belief, you are full of energy and passion, and above all of this God loves you and is right there with you in your "David" moments as I call them.

You will get through this but don't rush because there is something to be learned from everything, and we often miss it because we are so busy trying to leave the moment.

You Are My Fave said...

First, that photo is my absolute fave.

Second, I'm sorry that you're going through a funk. Do note that it happens to everybody now and again. I saw a few bloggers make a pact to not complain for an entire week and they said it was super helpful. I think I'm going to try that for this upcoming week. Good luck buddy! Hope that things are already looking up.