Thursday, November 18, 2010

grateful for: grace.



There are times like these when I just don't know. 

I just don't know if I'm doing things right, or saying things right. As the class with my church's teen girls has come to a close, I am left with this complete feeling of inadequacy, like I've squandered the past 12 weeks telling funny anecdotes and passing along recommendations that, if we're being honest, will probably go unheeded. 

I want more time. 

More weeks. 

I want to be able to tell them so much more than what I had time for. 

I want to clarify things that they may be confused about. 

I want to reiterate some points and eliminate others. 

Mostly, I just want them to know how much I really, truly love them. And I think, deep down, I'd like to know that they love me back.

It is in these moments, moments when I just feel completely lacking, empty, and unsure, that I am so grateful for His grace. 

Grace -- abundant, bottomless, guaranteed grace -- is His answer to me, and it must be enough.  

My tendency, for whatever reason, is to think I need to do more. I always want to do more and be more.

Maybe if I sent each girl an individual note, that would be enough. 

Or I wrote them all Facebook messages. 

Or maybe if I planned another girls' day at church. 

Or got them necklaces with their favorite Bible verse. 

Or tried to teach another class or throw them another party or get them more cupcakes.

The truth is, probably none of that would ever, in my eyes, be enough. 

I can never be a good enough teacher, mentor, friend, student, daughter, or wife.

That's what grace is for. 

To Kill a Mockingbird is one my favorite books. Like most who've fallen for Harper Lee's classic, it's Atticus who I love the most. It's Atticus who I want to be. 

Because Atticus, he tried desperately to do the right thing. 

And it didn't really go well. 

But he tried. 

He hoped that trying would be enough. 

I like to think that it was.

Because most of us try really hard. 

And most of us, like Atticus, don't really succeed by our own standards. 

But grace covers us. 

And I can rest easy knowing that no, I may not have done everything right this quarter. The words may not always have come out right. I may not have changed every girl’s life or even changed one.

But I tried.

And sometimes, trying is enough.

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Throughout the latter part of November, I'm dedicating my time to the things that fill my life with joy. You can find more posts on gratitude through the month of November here.

1 comment:

Lindsay @ Aisle to Aloha said...

You speak the truth, sister. This was a beautiful post. We can try and try and try but but we'll never be enough save the perfect grace poured on us by Christ.

I can tell by your heart that you made a great impression on those girls. They probably won't remember every word you said to them but they'll remember the time you spend to know them and listen to them and love them.