Sunday, March 7, 2010

this has been on the brain.

{Francis Chan video found via.}

Can you tell? Lately I've been thinking a lot about risk-taking and leaping.

Jordan and I are at a crossroads, and we seriously do not know what to do. It got so bad that last Thursday night, in a fit of tears and snot (lots of snot; I was sick, remember?), I left Jordan inside, ran to my car in my socks and started driving.

Unfortunately, I was low on gas.

Really low.

But I got in the car, tears pouring down my face, and I started driving, then yelling.


First, I yelled at God to please make sure I had enough gas to get me wherever it was I wanted to go. I'd left my cell phone at home, and I didn't have any shoes on.

Then I yelled at God to please, for the love, give me an answer. I believe I sounded something like this.

God, look, it's been a rough couple of months, and I have had it. I do not know what else to do. We wanted to do something great. We were ready to leap. In December, we thought D.C. (The International Justice Mission, remember?) In January, we thought Chicago, maybe Brooklyn. You've offered us none of the above. So, last week, we thought Tallahassee. The job seemed like a good fit, and You reminded us of just how much You've used us here, how much You could continue to use us here.

Then today, it's like Montgomery is our only option.

So what's the deal? What is going on?

Why won't You tell us already? Are You trying to break me? Did You point me to Tallahassee just to snatch it away? Did You make me comfortable just to make me uncomfortable?

Is Montgomery the next step? 

I want to go out on a limb for You, but I don't know what that limb is! I asked for New York, for Chicago, for North Carolina, even for Italy, Lord, but it doesn't seem like You've made any of those possible for us. 

So what is it that You want us to do??

Please understand that I was really yelling. Sobbing. People in the cars next to me thought I was insane. When I finally pulled into a parking lot next to a softball field, I thought I'd get some peace. I continued my conversation with God, only to be found by a guy needing a smoke. He looked at me like I'd lost it.

I think I did.

I long to take risks, to make my story more exciting and to do things so great/weird/amazing that they clearly come from God.

But I don't know how, and I don't know what.

Neither Tallahassee nor Montgomery sounds risky to me.

But maybe they both are. So which do we choose? Or... do we choose neither?

I hate these moments. Moments where I really, truly want to feel God, want Him to point me in the direction I should go, and I get nothing.

Moments like Lindsey described here.

So when I'm faced with those moments, what do I do? Which is the risk? Which is going out on a limb for Him?

I just don't know.

But I know I don't want to hug the balance beam.

I know I want my story to be great.

And I know I want Him to say, "Well done."


mom said...

Love the clip ~
Advice: Stop thinking for 48 hours. Your brain needs rest!
did you say in your sock feet? And.....low on gas? I hope dad doesn't see this one ;)

Lindsey said...

This makes me want to fly back and give you a hug. I would love to talk through life stuff right now with you. If you ever want to unload I would be happy to be there for you.

I love your heart Annie. You are amazing, but remember that you don't have to know where you are going (even in the near future) to take risks, to love people (which is risky). That should be done everywhere. And while you're in Tallahassee, there are people that NEED a heart like yours. I am praying for this tough stuff continually. I love you and hope to talk to you soon.

Lindsey said...

sorry for the long post